A little cover-up on your Adam’s apple will make it appear smaller, which will make you look less like a transvestite.

Michael Scott

The lameness of America’s royals

As I said, we have nothing in terms of actual royalty. It’s not something we should have, but I understand why Americans find something interesting in the British Royal Family’s festivities.

We have a Prince: Fielder. A Lady: Gaga. A Queen: Latifah. And a King: James.

Further: Kansas City’s baseball team.

So I get it, Americans fawning over it all. You get this morning. Just don’t OD on it. You don’t want to wake up in one of those hats.

  1. A song for William’s exes who wish they could crash the wedding. A song for anyone on the wrong side of the phrase “And if anyone has any reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever …”

  2. Americans don’t have actual royalty, so I’ll excuse their enjoyment of the royal wedding, just for this morning.

  3. Lily Allen should be performing “Oh My God” at the wedding party. It actually fits the Kate Middleton storyline we have all been spoonfed.